Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
#polloftheday
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.