my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
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life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
#damn
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
それは草
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌