Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
You Might Also Like
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Sounds like a bargain
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash