Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
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As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal