Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Lmao
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep