me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
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So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Still cracks me up
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands