At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.