Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
the battle rages on
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Nothing.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.