Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
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You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?