What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.