If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Cha-ching is my safe word
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.