HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day