hi why am I like this
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Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
*Seductively hides in the woods
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.