Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
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It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
What a kind woman! 😂😂