When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
You Might Also Like
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you