I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.