I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
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Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.