you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
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I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*