My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
You Might Also Like
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I never know how much to tip a cow.