Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.