jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns