“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan