They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.