I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Thrilling chase underway
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
#MeanwhileinCanada
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I love you…
…r dog.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.