I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.