Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
When he asks for feet pics
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.