Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Ok, but like, how married are you?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Yup….perfect score!
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.