It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*