I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.