The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
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If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”