Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”