“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship