i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
12. I think about this all the damn time
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?