Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
the #horror is real!
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.