I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
is this store having a stroke wtf
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.