I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
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[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Lmfaoooooo
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*