“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
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*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Bros before Ohioes
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
It has been 3 years since Monday.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.