i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol