Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
That’s incredible! 👌
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?