This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
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“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
But is it really??
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.