Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.