Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
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The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
How to draw a duck
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
this chia pet tastes awful
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.