Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
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i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
how do y’all walk in shallow water
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies