Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
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Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
can’t wait til they legalize outside
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands