My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.