My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
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I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Oh yeah that’s it
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha