Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
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I didn’t come here to be called names
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Happy thanksgiving
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*