This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
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My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.