If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool