Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
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me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.